A Secure Love

My personal thoughts on secure love.... Love that doesn't have to prove itself. Knowing you are adored even if you enjoy jeans and a ponytail most days... A love based on God's demonstration and example to us... the God who loved us first and sacrificed His Son WHILE we were sinners and redeemed us... a secure love. When you don't have to measure up. When you are simply accepted. When your creativity and goals are challenged and you rise higher than ever because you are believed in! Because true, accepting love isn't some pansy, fluffy "we love you no matter what" excuse to lay around and do nothing... true love accepts AND inspires.

And moving on to my book review. Chapter 3 of Grace Based Parenting, titled A Secure Love

Secure love is "written into the hard drive of children's souls".

It's the "Secret Ingredient" God. Because parents wont always be here. I used to cringe and my heart would break when I heard my mom say, "I wont always be here!" Truth is she wont. But, God will. Kimmel points out succinctly, "There is a love that we can pass on to them that is steady, sure and available to them whether we are here or not, and I'm talking about the infinite love of God." We give that to our children by following after the way God loves us.

This chapter covers: Incomplete Love, Love Defined, and three things that provide "secure love".

Incomplete love: When parents don't invest the time into their children, but give it to their careers... and when kids have to earn love... their role is to make the parent look good, make their parent's life easier, or they don't measure up. A lot more is said in the book, but that is the overview...

*** My personal thoughts: Of course career are a necessary part of life... men need to provide for a wife and home. Many moms have careers, too. But, it has a cost. It takes away time that can never be bought back. I know lovely moms who work part time and as children grow they move in to more full time positions. But, I must say that I do believe the best choice is to let go of the monetary gain and invest in the spiritual and loving gain in your child's life (for moms, anyway). That's my personal view. Nothing can take the place of watching my children learn to walk, teaching each of them to read, doing science experiments on the porch, photographing snow men villages in the front yard... and it goes on and on. Nope I didn't have a career with income and a financial retirement plan. I had children. I was their active, stay at home mom and I find such joy in remembering those many, many days of their childhood. Now, back to the book...

Love Defined

"Love is a commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost."

It might not come naturally.
Our needs come 2nd to the ones we are called to love. But, we don't spoil them, fight their battles and rescue them...

Loving someone is inconvenient!! It requires money, time and sleep!
We may have to give up a promotion or a lavish vacation. We cannot put ourselves first in their life and also transfer a genuine secure love to them.
"We've got to love them in the way that God loves us, when they're unappreciative, when they don't deserve it, when it's inconvenient, when it's costly to us, even when it's painful."

***Personal take: I pretty much agree and am challenged by this. However, I've also walked the path of pouring myself day after day and going unfilled. I'm not talking about needing a "spa day". I think it is important to put out there that parents DO need to take time to grow and care for themselves. They should have moments along the way to date or to have a girl's night out or a men's camping or fishing event. Those times can totally recharge us and enable us to become more effective. You have to take care of yourself, fellow moms! Get to sleep. Get up and get your shower. Carve out some quiet time to read and pray. Meet up with your mom or another inspiring lady. Find simple ways to take care of yourself along this path! Now, back to the book...

Three things that give secure love:
1. Acceptance
2. Having a loving, honoring family
3. Regular, generous helpings of affection

Acceptance: Know not to sweat the small stuff. Know when something is a moral issue and when it is not. We don't condone or tolerate sinfulness, but we accept each person's "makeup". A child might be noisy, messy, emotional, picky, forgetful, inquisitive, have an odd physical feature, etc. Those aren't moral issues. Accept. Love. Know what a problem is and what it isn't!! "Kids inside homes where non-moral issues are elevated to a level of big problems don't get to experience the kind of acceptance that makes a heart feel securely loved."

Personal application: Betty, stop nit-picking and criticizing the curiosity, forgetfulness or other DNA related parts of who your kids are!!!! Stop it! Now, I say! Okay... back to the book....

Having a loving, honoring family: Yes, there may be sibling rivalry, arguments and disappointments, BUT children and their opinions and concerns are IMPORTANT. Children are respected. Their time and space are respected by their parents. Life isn't about being perfect, but they learn the truths of Romans 8:31-32, 37-39
"If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Trust me, this is one section you have to read from the book... I just don't articulate it well enough here!

And...

Children feel secure when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.

Honestly, this is a no-brainer to me. It is what comes natural. It is like breathing to me. I'm a mom. I adore them. One of the hardest times in a relationship with one of my kids was when hugs were refused and totally awkward. Dr. Kimmel seemed to pour out my own heart in this section of the chapter. He wrote about how much we respond to affection. It is like life to our souls. He wrote this one amazingly poetic line about how a touch to our skin was purposed by God to be a connection to our souls. I love touch. I'm not talking about romantic intimacy, either. I'm talking about a genuine hug. A holding of my hand. The stroking of my brow a the end of a rough day. Nothing beat the light touch of fingers sliding back and forth across my back. It's just like Dr. Kimmel said, it speaks directly to my soul. It says, "I love you. I care and I'm here." It comes from a parent, a friend, a lover.

So, there you have it, my review of chapter three in this great parenting book!

Blessings!