Golden Memories - Friday Night

Gazing out at the ocean, Victor said, "Today has been one of the best days!"
"Yeah, " I replied, "It's been one of those golden days... a day that you always remember as special... a day that you'll look back on in many years from now and be able to picture the memories in your mind, clear as can be.  We've created a golden memory to last forever."

Well, it might sound a little sappy, but that is actually pretty close to how the conversation went yesterday.  The golden memory actually started the night before.

We live in a school district that takes 3 breaks during the year, in addition to holidays and summers.  Our summer breaks are short because of this.  It's quite frustrating in ways and I would rather have fewer breaks and longer summers, myself.  This past Friday was the last day prior to fall break and I wanted to spend the day with Joseph and Victor doing something extra special.  After several errands and arriving home, I knew that dinner would be late.  We were hungry, so we had dessert first!  Then Rebekah came up with a spontaneous idea to take our chicken to the park and have a picnic... in the dark!  So there we were, the four boys, Bek and I, traipsing down the street to the park at 8pm, with not just the chicken, but with two flashlights to boot!

I had pictured several more street lamps at the park.  No one was there.  It was quiet.  Well, it would have been quiet, but we were there!!  In no time at all, the chicken was consumed.  Let the fun begin!!

Don't let the sequence of pictures fool you.  Clayton was not an onlooker, he was in on the tire swing fun, too!  But, I love picture taking opportunities and thought this was a neat shot!

I've always enjoyed looking at other mom's pictures of their children in the sun ray pose... all the heads together in a circle, bodies extending out like rays of the sun... Occasionally I give it a try with whoever happens to be around.  Since there was a bench to stand on and grass nearby, I got these kiddos out there to give the shot a try... It isn't so easy!

Oh, well... group shots aren't easy, anyway!  We were getting tired (ha, that is so not true, the kids wanted to play hide and seek in the dark, but I said NO!  It would have been loads of fun, but not in a public park with minimal lighting... Actually, that does sound like fun, but not for the mom who would be worried the entire time that a child would go missing...).  So, back to the story.  We were getting tired (yeah, right), so I sent them to roost and skipped home for more dessert (Not really, but they did try roosting!)

Wow, with my height and perspective, this shot gives Clayton extra long legs and Bigfoot feet!

I am out of time this morning, so I will have to come back and add on the fun we had on Saturday.

Fitness Friday!!

Writing while it is still fresh in my mind (and my body is sweaty!), I have just finished my first week of exercising at home with The Biggest Loser's Cardio Max. I am not receiving any pay for endorsing their product and no one who is anyone in their sphere has any idea who I am. 

What a week! I really do not like to exercise. But, I love the results, so I will continue. Each morning when the children are off to school and I have reviewed emails, connected with friends and checked my banking I have had to tell myself, “Time to work out.” And then I tell myself, “I really don't want to,” Mostly because it takes time. I like time. You only get time once. But, I have discovered that a half an hour of exercise enriches the rest of the time in my day because it floods me with energy. I knew this already, so why wasn't I exercising? I don't know! 

There are three levels on this video and each level increases in difficulty and is designed to take 2 weeks.  I have a feeling that each level will take me 3 weeks, but we'll see.  Also, each level has three parts, the warm up, work out and the cool down.  

Warm ups: The first day, warm ups felt like full-on cardio because I had not been physically active for so long. I was shocked at how slow I was to get moving around. By the 3^rd day, warm ups were mastered.

20 Minute Cardio focus: Once again, the first day I had several stopping and walking in place moments and moved slower than the cast on the dvd. What I liked about the cast, though, were that they were real people... actually people who were once on The Biggest Loser. They were not models in cute work out clothes with perfect makeup and fine, fit bodies. I appreciate that! They have chubby! So, I felt comfortable.

Oh, the pain! I had three days rest after that first workout and was still a bit sore during the warm ups for day 2. But, I made myself stick to it and enjoyed the stretches tremendously. I have enlisted dh's help in rubbing sore muscles... he doesn't mind one bit... LOL Did I mention there has been a lot of pain? Really.

Back to the dvd. By my 4^th workout, I was able to do most of the moves the entire time. My thighs get a bit worn out and BURN during these 20 minutes. So, when that gets a bit too much, I jog/dance in place, whimpering, and then get back to work... Today I had to stop about 4 times for about 10 seconds each time. And then there's the small part of the workout where you roll down and walk out on your hands and hold push up position and then do A push up, then pause and do A push up... a handful of times... and then hold push up position. This kills me. The first day I did one push up, then watch them and said, “uh-uh.” The second day I did one and held position for the rest of that time, resting on the knees occasionally. Today I did 3 of the push ups and help position for most of the time, resting twice. Did you know that push up position works your abs? You don't even have to stress out doing the push ups just hold the position!

Cool down: Well, my daughter laughed when she witnessed this part. She asked, in amazement, “Mom, do you realize you are doing yoga?” Wow. I believe in stretches. I believe in breathing. But, I don't do yoga.  The video has great stretching and breathing and no mention of any beliefs, but there is one comment of feeling the earth's energy flow through you.  There is also a naming of the stretching positions... warrior 1, 2 and 3.  I enjoyed these stretches until I learned that each position is a different prayer position to a different God.  I know many Christians who do yoga stretch and I am not telling anyone what is right or wrong for them, but, for me, I cannot stretch in positions with others knowing this information.  That is just me.  So, you be you!  For cool down, since I have followed exercise videos in the past, I will walk in place a bit, stop and do many stretches that I already know.  

And this week's tip came from my daughter, Shasta. Work out with your shoes on. She didn't mean flip flops or slippers, either. Well, I am usually barefoot and wanted to get right to exercising, but she insisted that I work out with proper shoes and not hurt my ankles or feet. 

What are you doing to get some exercise?  Brisk walks?  Jogging?  Exercise videos?  Work outs at a gym?  Swimming?  Tennis or some such sport?  Let me know!

Update on Baby Chloe and Sonia and Chris!

I heard wonderful news from Sonia today.  Baby Chloe has gone from the 5th percentile to the 17th!!  Sonia's health is quite stable, but they are not willing to risk sending her some because if something could go wrong, they only have a small window of time to take care of mom and baby.  It is now the plan to move her to a postpartum room where she can stay monitored and wait for several more weeks.  The projected date for having the baby is no longer "this week" but at her 34 week gestation mark... she is officially 29 weeks today!  So, 5 more weeks to go is the goal.

Thank you so very much for those who have been praying for them.  Chris is even headed back to work, Lord willing, in a few days.  Shasta and I made some goodies for Sonia, which will be revealed in a future post.... We are all breathing easier and able to feel some of the joy of expecting the baby once more.  Praise be to God!!!!  I wish I had a photo of the loveliest sight from the other morning.  Someone special called Sonia on the phone to pray for her, Chloe and Chris.  Chris placed on hand on the baby, one hand on Sonia's heart and they each closed their eyes in prayer.  It was very beautiful.  Thank you, God, for bringing our family closer through this and please continue to bless Chloe's development and Sonia's health.  Mold Chris into the man you want him to be to lead this family. 

Wordless Wednesday

(My son, Victor, asked what Wordless Wednesday was about, so I said it's where you post a picture, but you don't write about it because the picture does the job of speaking for itself.  I asked if he understood what that meant and he replied, "Yeah, it means when you look at the picture you hear words in your head about it." Sweet!)

Me and my chubby... a personal narrative...

My brother Dan and I were 8 and 10 years old (I was eight) and lived in an apartment complex.  One day we observed a very, very overweight man and we promised each other that when we grew up we were not going to be fat.  Those were our exact words... we were just kids, so don't be too hard on us!  That is my first recollection of thinking about being overweight.  Now, we had family friends that were definitely overweight and we loved them and respected them... so we didn't have any attitude going on about others.

When I was 10 my mom brought in a photographer to take pictures of my two brothers and me. 



And mother dear proudly framed this photograph and placed it in the living room.  Hey, it's great today for proving that my brother Dan can actually smile...

One day a family friend stopped by and made a comment to me about being chubby... me being chubby.  I remember the sting of those words.  When I went inside, there was this photograph.  I looked closely at it and saw my chubby.  Horrible feelings came over me.  I remember taking a shower, grabbing my chubby with both hands and crying and praying, "God, please get this OFF of me!"

At that time I didn't continually obsess about it, but I do remember watching my portions sizes.  I was 10.

Junior high years weren't too bad for me and my chubby.  I think I must have grown a couple of inches and it evened out a bit on it's own.  But, looking around at the other girls who were really thin got to me.  I wanted a flat tummy SO badly.  In January of the 8th grade I got determined.  I took my wall calendar and in the privacy of my bedroom gave myself an exercise test and recorded the results.  Written down on that date were how many leg lifts I could do, how many sit ups, how many jump ropes.  That was my regimen.  I kept exercising and every two weeks marked down the progress on my calendar.

Summer came and I found a terrific show on tv each weekday morning at 9am... The Twenty Minute Workout.  I did this faithfully.  I started watching my portion sizes.  I loved the comments that I received.  One day, walking across a parking lot my mom noticed that I'd lost weight and told me that I was getting thin.  I loved that!  That fall I was right where I wanted to be with my shape, although my tummy never did flatten entirely.  Picking out clothes for school was so much fun!  I kept exercising that winter.

I'm not sure what changed... but, over time I stopped exercising and simply ate less.  One summer I measured food and counted calories.  I think it was the summer prior to 11th grade and I allowed myself 1000 calories a day to maintain my weight.  Parents noticed and commented on me needing to eat more.. telling me that I looked fine... I really enjoyed not eating to control my figure... food did not mean much to me. 

For the next 10 years of my life I continued this pattern, although I did add in exercise.  I worked out with the fitness channel after the birth of my first baby and was in pre-pregnancy clothes by the time the baby was 6 weeks old.  Even though I'd lost all the weight and weighed even less than when I conceived, I began eating less and less to be thin.  When I conceived my 2nd child, I had no idea that I was pregnant.  My terrible habit put myself and my unborn daughter at risk.  I ended up sick and had my appendix out in my first trimester.  After she was born I swam laps.  You would think that I had learned that eating less wasn't the best approach  to control my weight.  By eating less, yes, I do mean that I would go without food for the day or eat very minimally.   After my 3rd child was born, I used the soloflex machine to work out.  After the 4th was born, I used a video and a stair stepper.  That was kind of fun!  Each time, though, I felt an incredible pressure to be thin... I wasn't exercising to be healthy. 

What was going on though, was so sad.  I was never overweight.  I always weighed between 110-118 when I got pregnant.  I always delivered my babies weighing about 150 lbs.  I did not limit portions when I was pregnant.  I think that I stopped going without food in my 30's.  

Why am I sharing this?  I know there are much worse cases of anorexia.  My story pales in comparison to many others... but it's the story of me and my chubby.  I never felt comfortable with my shape.

In my 30's I went post-menopausal because of an emergency hysterectomy when I ruptured during childbirth in 1999.  My body really, really, really wants to look like a pear now.  I have to laugh about that.  I never overeat.  I rarely eat junk food.  But my body is in "pear default".  I did feel a mental shift happen during my 30's.  I don't know if it was because there were much bigger problems to face in my life other than whether or not my tummy was flat... or if I simply matured.  But, I got comfortable with my shape.  In my 20's my weight goal was always below 120 lbs.  In my 30's my weight goal was under 130.  In my 40's I really do not want to continue this trend!!!  But, I do find myself in the 140 area.  Many days I am okay with that.

There's so much more to share about this.  When I see someone overweight, I rarely see their shape, I simply see a person who has gifts and life to share with others.  I see them as someone.  I don't think about their weight, I think about their heart and their life and if there is a need they might have that I could help with (particularly if I know them personally).  But, I haven't given myself the same consideration... I've never let myself simply be.  I've very rarely simply accepted who I am.  I can laugh at the bump on my nose... I can ignore that when I smile, my lips go a little crooked... I mean, who cares?  A smile and a laugh are good medicine, right?  So what if one front tooth slightly overlaps the other.  But, when I get a little chubby going on... I feel as though I have failed.  That's my personal story and what I work on.

I have one grandson, a granddaughter who will be born any day, another grandson due in January and I want to be healthy.  Some days I lag in energy and coffee just doesn't do it.  My father's side of the family has diabetes and my mother's side has heart disease.  Me?  I have stress.

Last week, after a few years of ignoring exercise and pretending that it really didn't matter, I put in a dvd and danced away in my living room.  My daughter had given me a work out tape with dance moves and I thought it would be fun.  It was.  I had so much energy after that!  So, that evening I was walking around a store and picked up a couple more dvd's to exercise to.  The next day I worked out and it was a bit more difficult.  It wasn't so much fun, but it felt good.  Then by the end of the day I was feeling the pain.  By morning it hurt to stand up out of bed!  I limped around, glad that it was the weekend.  I wont really exercise in front of my family!  I do this when they are gone in the morning.  Well, today I popped that dvd back in and got to work. For fun, I took my measurements.  I even wrote down in my planner the information.

Attitude is important.  I want to keep perspective.  My goal isn't a flat tummy.  I have no weight loss goal.  I simply want to be healthy.  At the end of the week, I think I'll have a "Friday Fitness" post, where I share my progress and write about this "journey".

Update on Baby Chloe and Sonia and Chris...

because you cannot leave anyone out!

I went in to the hospital this morning and spent some time visiting with them today.  Test results were all in from the past several days and this is in fact preeclamsia.  Sonia looks so tiny herself, laying there.  The best news of all, though, is that the Dr. will do an ultrasound each day and study the baby and how she is doing.  Yesterday on a scale of 1-10, Chloe rated a 10!  Baby's weight is still predicted at about 2 pounds.  Sonia is able to snack and drink and Chris has taken good care of her (with the excellent staff).   Sonia had a good nights' sleep last night, too.  They are focusing on the positives and absolutely know that God is right there with them. 

Thank you for continuing to pray for them all.

Join me in prayer for Chloe Micheel, Chris and Sonia

A dear granddaughter has been fashioned by our Father, God.  She is 28 weeks along in the womb and her parents are doing their best to prepare for her.  Sonia, my dear daughter-in-law, is a sweet, loving mom of Christopher (I've posted pictures of when I've had the joy of taking care of him).  Sonia is a very conscientious person... always pays attention to details and makes the best decisions that she can.  Chris is a proud dad who cares deeply for his children.

This past week Sonia took Thursday and Friday off from work and was very excited about the baby shower for Chloe.  I worked diligently on a gift I have made for Sonia and this sweet baby girl.  I was about to shop one more time for some gifts for the shower when I received the call.

At a routine appointment the doctor determined that Chloe had not grown as she should have and there were causes for alarm.  Sonia went by ambulance to Walnut Creek's hospital, which  boasts of an excellent neo-natal center.  For the next day we waited for news... for information... for an explanation.  Doctors have been careful to help Sonia rest comfortably and with the maximum amount of peace for the situation that she is in.  I am not sure the official name of the diagnosis, but Sonia's placenta is not working as it should and the baby is not growing like she should.  There are also great concerns for Sonia's health in this, too.  So, at this time, she and the staff at the hospital are ready to deliver the baby at any time that it is deemed best for Sonia or for the baby's health.  Sonia is merely 28 weeks along and the baby's due date is December 8th.

Please join us in prayer.  Not only is Sonia not going to be released by the hospital until after the baby's birth, and therefore is unable to continue working, but Chris is on call to be available for the decision to deliver the baby at any moment, so he is very unsure as to when he will be able to work.  Little Christopher, who will be 3 in November, is very unhappy that mom and dad are not home taking care of him and I know that weighs heavy on Sonia's heart.

The goal is to keep the baby in the womb as long as possible for further development.  Every day is significant.

Thank you for holding Chris, Sonia, Little Christopher and baby Chloe Micheel in your hearts and prayers.

Sunday Afternoon Beauty

Several days ago I had this inkling to drive over to the coast and spend an afternoon with my teens.  Three of these wonderful people are living at their dad's this school year and are doing very well and I miss them so...

I would have loved a few more hours to get over to a pier and watch sea lions and then take in sights around Natural Bridges, but it was Great Grandma's 80th birthday and it was wonderful to see her.  She is doing just great!





Julie had been eager to give me a birthday gift and she was so excited about it... so, I was excited, too!



She just HAD to give me posing lessons... she wanted me to look "cute".

Now, for years (probably just months, but you know...) I had been trying to get Julie to watch I Love Lucy with me.  Many of those shows are so funny.  When I did get her watching with me, it was the Vitameatavegimen show.  We laughed and laughed.  So, she got this coffee cup for me with a couple of great shots of Lucy and Ethel laughing and it stirs that feeling of appreciation for deep, true friendship inside my heart.  Inside the rim of the cup are the words "Friendship Lasts Forever".  In red.  I love red.  I remember watching I Love Lucy when I was about 4 years old and it was in black and white... Lucy and Desi were at that tree with the heart and the inscription.  So, in honor of old times...



One thing I wanted from this day was a photo op.  Knowing how quickly time goes by, I wanted to capture what the kids looked like on this very day.  I didn't have all the kids with me, so, understand that this is not meant to "disclude" (Victor's word for the opposite of include) anyone.  There are just 7 seats in my mini-van and two of my daughters are grown and out of the home, so this particular day features 5 of the kids.  Clayton and Cody were out with their dad and grandpa fishing for the day on the Delta, so they were not with me, either.

Julie recently injured her ankle and Nathaniel carried her around.  Many of their pictures are together.  Some of them look as though they are a couple, so I point out to you that they are terrific siblings!













I had a knack for capturing Stephen with his eyes closed, so I don't have as many of him to share.  It's simply amazing, though, to take a picture and it hits you... your son is a young man...







I like spontaneous, terrific pictures, but end up saying, "Oh, sit here!"  "Let's try this!"









And if you tell Victor to put his chin up a little...



And here's to the just goofing around shots...







The weather didn't realize that you just don't mess with a mom's dreams for the day... so, while it was a tad chilly and definitely gray, we had a nice time together and I got the pics!

I know there is a flow of sentimental thought flowing inside that I could add to this day's collection of photos, I feel it stirring inside.  When I look at each face in each photo there is an abundance of joy and fulfillment.  There were days I scratched my head, wondering how God could trust me with all these lives... days where I felt completely inadequate...but this year there is a recurring theme weaving in and out of each memory revisited and each new experience encountered... God is sovereign.  God holds it all in His hands and has a plan for each life and when we mess it up, God is there to turn to.  One of the greatest gifts I have from God is taking in a deep breath and feeling such love for each child and contentment deep within.  Knowing that when it's quiet and it's just God and me, I am satisfied... I am blessed... my faults and sins are covered with Jesus' blood and God's amazing love... and that I can rest in Him in great peace.

Memories

This morning's task was before me.  Papers were sorted and filed.  I even used dusting spray on the desk!  The best part of all, though, was in moving some "stuff" around (you know, the stuff that multiplies on vertical surfaces while you sleep!) and finding a lovely treasure.

To some, it would need to be tossed in the trash.  There's really no monetary value in it.  It's a small tri-fold photo frame that had been sent to my grandmother when my first 5 children were young.  Then it was sent back to me when grandmother had passed.  And I could not get the photos out!  They are stuck to the glass as stuck as stuck can be.  And I am not one who can toss away a photo that I love.  And each of these photos I really do love.  And I am sure that I have the same photos in an album in another room... but, they are not framed and they weren't sent to grandmother and well... Did you know you're not supposed to start sentences with "and"?  And I know you are not supposed to start sentences with the same word over and over, too... And I am pretty sure there must be a rule regarding putting so many dots in between sentences.  I think I pause longer at the end of a sentence... hmmm... (You did know that I am Queen of Dots, right?)

The photos were a great interruption during this morning's desk cleaning venture.  I love these children so!

In this photo, Shasta is to the right in a "Mary Poppins" dress that I made for her.  That was one of our favorite family time movies when she was little.  She had not lost her top baby teeth yet.  To the left is Rebekah, sitting there reminding me that her hair took forever to grow... Shasta's hair was always down her back and Rebekah's just sat on top of her shoulders for years.  And what a blondie she was.  Gosh, I just want to hug her once more!  There's little Julie in the middle of it all... with all that character shouting out "Merry Christmas!".  She was born with such a vibrant personality!

Around this same time, I made Shasta a lovely dress and this was one of the photos where she wore it.  Moms can always tell when a smile is "put" on and when it is coming out from the heart and while this smile seems "planned", I love the profile!!

Then, there were my boys!!

Here is Stephen and Nathan.  What adorable little fellows.  Stephen was always the kind, gentleman as a boy.  Nathaniel was more of the "look over your shoulder and see what you can get away with" kind of boy.  They were both SO endearing.

So, I sit and enjoy some sweet recollections.  Going back to days when they were babes nursing in my arms.  Recalling the giggles and grins.  Thinking back to some of those very tired afternoons when just as I was falling asleep for a nap, one of them would get into trouble and I'd make myself get up and teach them... wishing I could just ignore that they needed a reprimand... but, knowing that helping them learn to get along and obey was more important than my bit of sleep.  Wishing for a day in each of their little lives to go back and kiss their cheeks, read them another story, sing to them.  Thankful that I have each of those precious memories.

Some days that is all that we have... a beautiful memory to hold on to.  I'll take it!

And since I know that today is here for me to live fully, I will now brainstorm for some grand plan to make today a beautiful memory that will be cherished as well...

Do you have a beautiful memory today?  What will you do to make today's day memorable?  If you are home with young ones, perhaps lunch on a blanket in the yard?  Story time with piles of pillows in the living room? Let me know!

Just about half way there...

About 19 weeks ago I picked my daughter up from work and she asked if we could stop by the store on the way home for "something".  I was suspicious.  The next day she asked if, when I delivered lunch to her work,  I would come in.  Now I absolutely knew.  She was expecting.  I hugged her for a long time and repeated what had been spoken to me 20 years ago, "The most important thing for you to do is to love that baby."

Of course there are concerns that every parent has... when will she get married?  Will that be the right choice for the long-term future?  When will she get a car?  What about jobs, paying bills and living in her own place? 

But, first, there had to be lots of hugs.  And anti-nausea "prego-pops"! 

It's easy to focus on the negative sometimes.  Other times it's easy to focus on the positives and not take a realistic look over the big picture.  So, I've been trying to find the balance.

A lot has happened in 19 weeks... she and her fiancee have a car now.  He got a very good job, great pay and benefits.  They even moved into a very small apartment.  No, this is not what I would pick for her.  But, I respect that she is an adult on her life path... and I respect that she doesn't want a shotgun wedding.  The next several months, though I will excitedly anticipate having a grandchild, I will pray earnestly that her decision to marry will be sound and will have a commitment of a lifetime and that each of them will choose to seek God and His ways and give their lives wholly to Him. 

Shasta reads a lot.  She devoured the "What to Expect While Expecting" book.  She religiously keeps track of what drinks and foods are good for the baby and what to avoid.  She is about to start the "What to Expect the First Year" book and she is nervous about taking care of a newborn.  Her heart is full of love for this little one.  She is a terrific cook and knows how to clean "for real" (my term when I mean that we do not clean half way!) and she is so very excited.  She has great plans for her own future... plans to take some college classes and I know that while she will enjoy motherhood and it will be difficult, she will still have dreams for her own future.  And this mom (me!) will be here to listen, advise and cheer her on.  She will hear enough negative out there. 
This little giraffe play Brahm's Lullaby:

She came by a few days ago and spent the night here at home and we went together for the ultrasound.  I had been having a "boy" vibe the past week.  She had a couple of "it's a boy" dreams.  We were counting the hours.  I was so excited to peek at my grandchild no matter what the sex was!  It was beautiful to see the bottoms of his feet.  Cute little "footprints" right there!  And to see him wave arms and legs.  Looked like he had fingers in his mouth at one time!  We laughed when it appeared that he sneezed... knowing he isn't breathing, but that's just what it looked like.  And he tried to keep his legs crossed and hide the plumbing... but the doctor had a few tricks to get him to roll over and we saw... the doctor said "99.9999% sure this is a boy". 

Jaden Michael is the name at this time... I say that because sometimes Chris isn't really, really sure he wants that to be the name.  I told them they have to decide for real, because if grandma wants to make something personalized with his name, grandma doesn't want the name changing!

And the cutest thing!  My dad and his dear wife didn't want to know the sex of the baby... they wanted to be surprised.  So, Shasta put on her facebook, "If you want to know the sex of the baby, go to this site".  It's an adorable baby site she has worked on.  Well, then dad knew that we all knew... and he gave in... he had to know, too!

Thank you to all who have given such beautiful comments and prayers.  When most of your friends and family are Christian, and your unwed daughter conceives, you don't hear very many, "Congratulations!"  There is a bit more of a somber feel to it.  But, there is beauty in knowing that God is sovereign.  He made Shasta and He has made her son... in the womb this child has been fashioned by a great God.  He has an eternal purpose.  Now... just about 20 more weeks to go... which is very good... 20 weeks to cover with prayer.

Because turning 41 shouldn't just feel good... it should look good, too!

Last week, after getting 3 inches cut off the ends of my hair, I thought I'd have fun playing with it and straighten it... and I couldn't go through all that trouble and not take a few pictures... and since it happened to be close to my birthday, I thought I'd share. 

I never fret over what age I am.  It really means nothing to me.  One day doesn't suddenly seem so much more different than the day prior or after when it comes to age.. but time does move forward and suddenly age does creep up on you... and me... the only time I notice it is when I have a stiff back and discover that the wrinkles on my forehead are beginning to look like deep canyons.

Recently I was reading several people's comments at a forum I enjoy and they were talking about the joys of being in your 40's.  There was one sentiment that kept recurring.  When you are in your 40's you don't sweat the small stuff anymore and you don't care so much what others think of you... you just LIVE.  I believe in caring what others think as it pertains to some significant issues in life, but I think the main idea is that when you reach your 40's you are a lot more secure and solid in who you are... you have learned some big lessons and you know what is important and what can slide on by. 

Today on my birthday I am enjoying each comment that I receive at my facebook page.  I stop and think of those who are sending love my way and I appreciate the family and friends that are in my life.  One friend I have known for 31 years!  Another I met the first day of college and she is one of the closest people to me in my life.  How wonderful to know that whatever you say, however you feel, you are safe with somebody... to know that they love you no matter what.

Today I am looking up songs that I love and trying to put them on my playlist... My very favorite, #1 song of all time is One More Time by the Katinas.  You'll have to look that one up on your own, it is not available with the playlist that I am using.  It's beautiful.  I shared "Something Beautiful" when Victor had his birthday.  I Will Be Here is close to my heart.  I can rarely hear it without fighting tears.  It means more than I can express and it goes beyond marriage... to me it is God's song for me... knowing that HE loves me beyond measure.  I cannot find my favorite Rebecca St. James song to share, but did find a lovely one to put on the list.  I sang two of her songs over and over one year...  "Like the river that runs to the sea, the oceans speak of you love for me..." and the lyrics for the other one have slipped my mind, but I will remember and share them, too, because they are that great.  Another special song was written about me!!  Imagine that!  I don't know how the songwriter knew so much about me, but he nailed it!  Gimme That Girl!  It's a match. 

Because my birthday hits mid-week, I will get some housework done, but I will do it super fast so as not to spend that much time, run one load of laundry, take a son for his immunization booster, and shoot a video for a science project and put it on you-tube for his teacher... but, I WILL find a couple of "half hours" and take in a deep breath and be thankful for life.  I know that God made me on purpose.  I know that I am alive on purpose.  God has an eternal plan at work.  Praise be to God!

He had nothing. Nothing but faith.

This year I've been reading through the Bible, cover to cover.  It started when I was inspired by others who were following the "read the Bible in 90 days" plan.  The idea of reading through so quickly and consistently seemed great... I thought it would all flow together and mean so much more by reading larger chunks of scripture.  And I had a great start.  In no time at all, it seemed, I had read Genesis through Deuteronomy.  But, I slowed way down when I got to I and II Samuel.  Then the printout that showed how much I should read each day was slid into a drawer so not to remind me that I had fallen from the 90 day plan!  But, I kept reading... and enjoying stories of old.

One night, alone with Victor, I was reading out loud about when Solomon took over the kingdom of Israel following King David's death.  There's no gentle way to discuss this... there were a lot of killings of David's enemies.  One enemy after another was put to death.  And there was such action!  So, my 11 year old boy was really enjoying Bible story time!  He had a play sword in hand, raised it up and called out, "Kill him!"  Oh dear... like I said, there's no gentle way about that passage of scripture.  Sometimes there's just not a gentle way about life... it gets messy... people get hurt... we don't like it.  But above all of the circumstances, there is a God who is ordering each breath and heart beat, who has a redeeming love for mankind, a God who is sovereign.

There have been many times I have questioned why dark times hit in life.  Was this God's will?  I have often times wondered, "Really?  Why does life have to hurt so much?  Why does everything seem so hard?"  And I  longed to be on someone else's path... mine was too painful... and I, sadly, focused on what I had lost or what I never had.

Then last week I had made my way to I Kings chapter 17.  It is simply amazing how that one chapter spoke to me.  Elijah lived at a time when prophets were many times killed by the king because the king didn't like the message from God that the prophet delivered!  We don't know about Elijah's upbringing, that I can tell, but we read that he served the Lord, the God of Israel.  I liked that verse.  I think of myself as a person who serves the Lord.  I have prayed many times, "God, take my life and use me to make a difference in others' lives.  Show me how to live for you."  So, I was eager to read about Elijah's experience! 

Elijah gave King Ahab a message that there would be no rain for a few years.  And God sent Elijah to a ravine next to a stream to hide out... to keep Elijah safe... and sent birds to take him food.  Here is where I wonder.  Was Elijah raised in a God-fearing home?  Did they worship God together?  How many people in Israel were there living for God?  Did they encourage each other?  Just a couple of generations back, weren't most people in Israel following God?  How come so many turned to follow false gods?  God had promised to bless them and give them peace in the land if they would stay true to Him and follow his commands.  Why would they trade that blessing for a curse?

But, back to Elijah... There he was, following God, sent out by a stream in a ravine.  He didn't have a mattress.  Or a house.  Or animals.  He had nothing but his faith, some water and food brought by birds.  What did he do during the day?  Did he get impatient?  Did he care about material things?  He had nothing!  Nothing but faith.  And I felt a stirring in my heart.  Many times in my life I felt like I had "nothing".  Dreams were broken.  Hope was nearly non-existent.  Although I could look into the eyes of my beautiful children, my heart was crushed by dark times.  There was a time I felt my faith slipping.  And God sent a stirring inside my heart just when I needed it and people joined beside me on my path to help get me through... But, I didn't like it.  Not one bit.  So, I sat staring at page 410, taking in that Elijah served the Lord.  And he had nothing.  And the water dried up, so God sent him to a widow and worked a miracle of provision so that they would eat daily and their needs were met.

I have no idea if I am articulating what went on in my heart last week good enough... I guess I am finding peace in contentment yet again.  Giving my dreams and goals to God, knowing that He will help me on the path that I am on.  Knowing that if I have nothing in the worlds eyes, I have faith.  In the end, that is all that matters.  And when I feel myself slip into self pity, when I look at my path and wish that I had a different one... I can remember Elijah.  Did it ever occur to him that he had nothing?  Did he want a home or animals?  Did he have a sore back when he woke up?  What mattered to him?   Well, I do know the answer to that... to him what mattered was to serve the Lord, the God of Israel.

And, so, to finish this post of my musings, I keep hearing Rebecca St. James' singing in my head, "At the end of the day, You alone will remain".  No matter what our different paths are, in the end, He will remain.  That's all that truly matters. 

Something beautiful

When I can take a bit of time (usually for me that translates to... a lot of time... it's the "technology" that trips me up...) I will get a music list on here and have some of my favorite songs.  One that I would pick to put on it first would be Something Beautiful by the Newsboys...

Recently I've had two "something beautiful"s.  The first is my youngest child turning 11. 

I love his innocence.  I love his wit.  I love his determination.  I love the beauty in his eyes.

Okay, so that is really a "nerd"  photo opp... But, I do love his eyes!

Happy Birthday, my dear one.  Sometimes I still get the "so full my heart could burst" moments with him... but, as he matures and grows more independent, those change to "mom is very proud".  My heart could still burst, but the strong emotion changes a bit.  I don't really know how to articulate it... But, a few years back Victor had a red, shiny heart.  It was small and plastic.  He kept it in his pocket.  A few times a week he would come up to me and hand it over, saying, "Mom, here's my heart... You keep it for me."  And I would keep it in my pocket, treasuring the feel of it.  Sometimes he would come back and ask, "Can I have my heart back?"  Other times I would find him and say, "Hey, Victor, here's your heart!"  It was something beautiful.

Although I think I may have mentioned it in a previous year's birthday... a few years ago when I would drop him off at school each morning, he would get out, shut the door and look for eye contact, holding up his hands in sign language, signing "I love you".  I signed back to him.  That was something beautiful.  Then he would turn, run a few steps and stop and look back once more and sometimes sign it again.  One day I noticed that he would sign and run off and not stop and look back for me.  My heart lurched.  And then the day came when he stopped signing, but he would shut the door, look for my eyes and wave.  This past year he began grabbing his backpack, opening the door with a quick, "Bye, mom!" and out he went, without looking back... very often.  Sometimes he will stop and look for my eyes.  Something beautiful.  I know he will continue to grow up... I hope that these memories are etched into his soul like they are in mine.  I hope some day he will have these times with his own child and know it is something beautiful.

And my other something beautiful today was prayer day at church.  The dimly lit sanctuary.  The glow behind the cross.  Sitting so quietly without distraction.  Pouring my heart out to my God.  Knowing that in all my life, He has been there and is faithful.  Giving to God, yet once again, my life... offering it up for His purpose, not exactly knowing how that will play out... but knowing full well that I am called to honesty, integrity and to pour out His love through me and my life choices... and that when I make mistakes, He will turn them into something useful.  Something beautiful.